Friday, March 28, 2014

S01 E23: "The Cutie Mark Chronicles"

S01 E23: "The Cutie Mark Chronicles"

Ugh...finally got back on the wagon. It was really, really difficult to work up the energy to review this episode. Over A Barrel left me with a strong aversion to watching any more of this, but I am a professional-- the show must go on.

The other reason I was dreading this was due to the CMC being heavily involved, but the episode ended up being more of an origins episode for the main six ponies. I feel like this was a story that should have been told immediately after the pilot, but it's good to know that they got around to it eventually.

The episode started off slow, but it got progressively funnier throughout it's run-time. It never caused any belly laughs like A Dog and Pony Show did for me, but it was certainly amusing enough to raise it above the mediocrity of earlier episodes by far.

Even though the CMC are featured prominently, they weren't egregiously annoying this time around. This is probably the point where I should give up any hope of them realizing that every cutie mark is related to someone's meaningful name, so I'll just have to accept this as a running gag.

Choice moments from the episode are detailed in the section below

Spay and Geld Your Ponies

00:12 The episode opens with the CMC ziplining. There's a tasteless reference i could make about which one of them has herpes, but i won't-- aww crap, too late.

00:40 They went ziplining to get a cutie mark? They hadn't even heard of it until Spike told them about it! For their trouble they ended up falling through a ton of pine trees and getting slathered with sap and pine needles, but no broken bones. It must be awesome to live in a world where all the horrifying shit is merely implied.

00:57 Holy crap, Scootaloo is ready to throw in the towel! They had to reach a breaking point eventually, although i kind of hoped it would be sooner so they could start getting more likable.

01:44 One of the CMC finally get the brainwave to ask how the other ponies got their cutie marks, but conveniently decide to ask my least favorite of the main cast for advice. This episode better get good reeeeeeeeeeeal quick.

05:30 Applejack's backstory about how she tried living in the city adds  some interesting depth to her character. Also, the fact that her aunt and uncle have the surname "Orange" is a well executed, yet subtle joke--


"Manehattan", however, was not.


05:53 Watching this episode is really making me question if it's the entire CMC that gets on my nerves or just Scootaloo. She totally shat all over AJ's tale for being "boring", even though it clearly displayed a way of getting a Cutie Mark by trying a new way of life and not whatever whim happens to come along.

08:01 I like Fluttershy's cutie mark origin story so far, especially since it shows Rainbow Dash acting out of character, i.e. not being a cu-IS THAT A FUCKING SONG OH GOD

09:28 The song was not terrible, though gratuitous, but Fluttershy's story was 20% cooler than expected.


Oh, and of course Scootaloo completely ignores the shit out of what Fluttershy has to say to focus on Rainbow Dash. I hope her story is fucking lame out of spite.

11:41 So we got to Rarity's story, and it was chuckle-worthy all throughout. I halfway expected her to scream "I'M FUCKING RICH!" when that rock cracked open. Related note, Scootaloo's insistent bitchiness has done a 180 into funny, but they better not push it.

15:22 TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS AN X-MAN and kind of a spaz.

15:37 "Look at this frolickin' bitch right here..."


20:27 So we get Rainbow Dash's story, and apparently she's the one who created the Wave Existence of whatever that triggered everyone else's cutie mark origins. So I guess that makes Dash the Jar Jar Binks of this story, seeing as she is responsible for incredibly important shit while also being the most annoying.


If Rainbow Dash caused a Sonic Rainboom in FULL FUCKING VIEW OF AN OCCUPIED STADIUM, shouldn't it have been a proven fact before the titular episode where it was also considered a myth?

This fucking show...

21:05 They took the last few seconds to make me relate to Scootaloo's aversion to more singing.

...those assholes


Closing Thoughts

this episode was not terrible! Okay, it was decent. not great though! The important thing is that it was good enough to shatter any ennui from watching Over A Barrel, so continuing with the series should be a lot easier.

See you next time for Owl's Well That Ends Well!

- Apathy Pony

Friday, March 21, 2014

S01 E22: "A Bird in the Hoof"

S01 E22: "A Bird in the Hoof" guys, seriously. So hard to get back into this groove. The Episode That Shall Not Be Named knocked the wind out of this awesome-ass streak I had going with writing these things. I wrote the last few reviews in a few days, and then that fetid, dogshit episode came up and fucked everything up. The idea of watching this show made me procrastinate for about a month. But...I made a promise (and received payment in advance), so onward I press.

God, I hope this show never gets that insipid or offensive ever again, because I. Just. Can't.

Just Get Through This Season And You're Almost Halfway Through C'mon You Can Do This

00:05 Pretty establishing shot of Fluttershy's house. Woo.

00:23 Fluttershy is treating the rodents that live in her walls, and I really want to see her interacting with roaches and jellyfish just to see if she's a friend to all animals or just the cute ones.

00:56 Before the words even come out of Fluttershy's mouth, I knew there'd be Alice in Wonderland allusions once the white bunny came running in with a stopwatch. Let's see if they do anything interesting with it.

01:15 Princess Celestia is in town for some shindig or another, and Fluttershy decides to rant about how late she is to it instead of, you know, going.


01:43 Angel Bunny is the smartest anything in Ponyville, hands down. And that's sad.

02:41 So after the contractually obligated commercial break, we open up with Rainbow Dash pestering a pair of Celestia's Pegazord guards about getting recruited. They're acting like those royal guards in England where they can't speak, smile, or laugh, but I really think they just don't have the heart to tell her that she's not eligible because she's not (literally) white and a woman.

Why do I think this? Because I go out of my way to make Equestria seem like a racist dystopia for my own amusement.

03:12 Fluttershy finally shows up and the Pegacons block her way when she tries to enter. Fluttershy pussies out and starts to go home, but Twilight Sparkle is cool for once and vouches for her immediately.

03:50 Inside, Spike is playing the part of Easy-Bake Oven for Mr. and Ms. Cake, who are doing some shoddy, below average groveling towards Princess Celestia. Meanwhile, Fluttershy apologizes for her tardiness and explains to Twilight  that she was treating a patient. Twilight is sweating bullets while trying to reassure herself more than Fluttershy that Celestia will find that shit adorbs.


04:07 So it turns out Twilight is worried that Celestia might not approve of her friends IRL, even though she's met them and read about them in Twilight's letters. She'd only have to worry if I was writing them, but I'm pretty sure Twilight sanitizes all of the more glaring character flaws before she clicks "Publish".

04:18 Fluttershy tries to reassure Twilight that this is only a casual party, cut to Rarity wearing her inappropriately pimped-out dress and chastising the other ponies for stepping all over it.

04:43 Elsewhere, Applejack is trying to decide which of the copious varieties of food to eat and in which order to eat them, so that she avoids shaming her family for generations in front of her esteemed dictator-for-life. She eventually decided "Fuck all'a this, I ain't hungry."

Also, she couldn't recognize a salad? Lay off'a them apples, gurl.

05:03 Fluttershy acknowledges just how fucking ratchet her friends are, but says they aren't that bad.

Then Pinkie Pie comes along and is exactly that bad and worse when she sticks her maw into all of the party food and abuses a fondue fountain. Say what you will about Pinkie (no, do it), but at least she's consistent.

05:12 Then Pinkie went and scarfed down Princess Celestia's food, which caused many a pony to audibly gasp. Congratulations! We finally found the line Pinkie Pie cannot cross without resulting in a Ponyville social faux pas.

05:34 So are Mr. and Mrs. Cake professional bakers or sycophants, because they are kissing ass with military precision now.

06:10 The Cakes' brown-nosing causes Twilight to cringe, but thankfully Celestia turns her attention to Fluttershy, who she says she is familiar with from reading Twilight's letters.


06:18 So Celestia is harping on about how much she loves all the creatures in her kingdom to Fluttershy, all the while being completely oblivious to the sickening coughs of a caged bird behind her, some royal pet or another most likely. Is this why she sent Twilight and the others to deal with the dragon instead of divinely intervening? Because that's still a bullshit excuse.

It's indeed Celestia's pet and it's name is Philomena...the most it can do when asked to greet the other ponies is sputter and hack up unanimated phlegm, and you can tell Fluttershy is considering a mercy kill on the spot once she sees her.

06:49 One of the Pegagagas comes up to Celestia and tells her that she has been requested to have an audience with the Mayor, who is still a thing, I guess. She regretfully states that this is last call and to get the fuck out to the rest of the ponies, but not before dumping Philomena on Fluttershy by way of extreme neglect.

The actual fuck tho, seriously...

07:11 Applejack thinks she's gonna get her grub on, but Mr. Cake shows her that the party is truly over and tells her to get her freeloadin' ass the hell on out.

Pinkie Pie makes an ass of herself on the way out and Rarity holds her own dress hostage, clearly under the assumption that anyone gives a shit.

07:43 Twilight prematurely celebrates that nothing went wrong with the party, unaware that Celestia left her dying fucking pet behind and it's escaped on top of that. Or, better yet, Fluttershy took it upon herself to put it out of it's misery.

07:46 AND I WAS (half) RIGHT

08:41 Fluterrshy takes Philomena to put her in bed, and this makes her hot. Fluttershy brings Philomena a ice pack, which freezes her to ridiculous levels. Rapid switching back and forth occurs and I can kind of see why Celestia abandoned this fucking bird already.


09:14 Fluttershy feels like bed rest isn't enough after all of this and decides to give Philomena some medicine in the form of a pill the size of a Twinkie. Thankfully it's not a suppository as Fluttershy serves it with bird seed...which Philomena promptly eats, leaving the pill untouched.

10:00 Delicious soup will surely do the trick, right? Nope-- Philomena outright rejects it, before having a narcoleptic fit and passing out in it while Fluttershy goes to figure out another fruitless attempt.

12:00 Spa treatment, good company, and goddamn surgery do nothing to help this fucked up bird, among other things.


13:00 Just as Fluttershy admits defeat, Twilight comes strollin' in to tell her just how much she appreciates her support at the party and notices Philomena-- cue freakout.

Fluttershy says she couldn't just leave her there, but Twilight successfully urges her to return Philomena to Celestia.


13:11 Twilight prepares to leave with Fluttershy in the hopes that Philomena can be returned before anyone notices, but lo and be-fucking-hold, there are Royal Guards already at the door, and they don't look happy...which is normal, I guess.


14:20 Twilight gives them a BS story to shoo the Pegasu-su-sudios away, even as Philomena does her wretched best to rat them out with incessant coughing. Fluttershy suggests taking Philomena straight to the princess, but Twilight is more paranoid than Alex Jones and suggests they lie, since she rightfully fears Celestia's wrath.

Fluttershy isn't having it and says that they have to get Philomena healthy first before they do anything.


16:16 Twilight reluctantly agrees to nurse Philomena back to health, and more or less tortures the miserable bird by forcing all of Fluttershy's treatments on her. Philemona draws the line at being fois gras'd with soup and runs the fuck away.


17:14 wacky chasing Philemena montage, who is not too sick to figure out disguises and disfiguring her own "Missing" posters.

...That goddamn bird is trolling.


17:50 Twilight and Fluttershy come across the other ponies while searching, and find Philomena at the same time as the Royal Guards do. They all urge her to come down, and Philemena responds by losing her last feather and melodramatically dying. I swear to God if this ends up being merely a ploy to get attention...


18:11 Philomena falls at the speed of light, causing the corpse to combust and drop into Fluttershy's hands as nothing more than ashes.

KI-- oh, right-- dead. HAH!

18:49 Princess Celestia appears just as the last remnants of her (beloved?) pet smear themselves in a mixture of tears and regret all over Fluttershy's hooves. Twilight and Fluttershy try to take the blame in order to save each other, and Pinkie Pie does a Spartacus bit.

Fluttershy, however, decides to fess up, Philomena is a goddamn Phoenix, isn't she?

19:22 CALLED IT, although I should have far, far sooner.

19:57  Celestia explains what a Phoenix is and even calls out the resurrection process as melodramatic herself...okay, fine, +1 like for Celestia.

20:39 There's a title drop among the next series of events, as Celestia calls out Philomena to apologize for being a goddamn troll. Another +1 like for Celestia.

She also tells them that they should have asked in the first place and they could have avoided all of this..fine. I don't hate Celestia anymore, as long as she continues this reasonable streak.

21;33 Dash takes the opportunity to be an asshole and gets Philomena to tickle the Guards' noses with her wings,  which makes them laugh. She didn't realize that when they arrived back in Canterlot that they were forced to commit ritual sacrifice to maintain the honor of their bloodline.

or she just didn't care


Final Thoughts

A "meh" episode, really, but after the last one that's a vast fucking improvement. At this point I'm hoping for mediocrity instead of quality, such is the extent to which the bar has been lowered for this show over all.

See you next time for...goddamn it...The Cutie Mark Chronicles.

- Apathy Pony

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Adam's 2 Cents: MLP - FiM S1E06 "Boast Busters"

Who you gonna call?  Hopefully not the "Great and Powerful" Trixie.  In this week's episode, Twilight begins to realize that she's the living equivalent of a "Game Genie" and Ponyville is visited by the biggest self-aggrandizing gasbag this side of cable news.