Ugh...you guys...no guys, seriously. So hard to get back into this groove. The Episode That Shall Not Be Named knocked the wind out of this awesome-ass streak I had going with writing these things. I wrote the last few reviews in a few days, and then that fetid, dogshit episode came up and fucked everything up. The idea of watching this show made me procrastinate for about a month. But...I made a promise (and received payment in advance), so onward I press.
God, I hope this show never gets that insipid or offensive ever again, because I. Just. Can't.
00:23 Fluttershy is treating the rodents that live in her walls, and I really want to see her interacting with roaches and jellyfish just to see if she's a friend to all animals or just the cute ones.
00:56 Before the words even come out of Fluttershy's mouth, I knew there'd be Alice in Wonderland allusions once the white bunny came running in with a stopwatch. Let's see if they do anything interesting with it.
01:15 Princess Celestia is in town for some shindig or another, and Fluttershy decides to rant about how late she is to it instead of, you know, going.
01:43 Angel Bunny is the smartest anything in Ponyville, hands down. And that's sad.
02:41 So after the contractually obligated commercial break, we open up with Rainbow Dash pestering a pair of Celestia's Pegazord guards about getting recruited. They're acting like those royal guards in England where they can't speak, smile, or laugh, but I really think they just don't have the heart to tell her that she's not eligible because she's not (literally) white and a woman.
Why do I think this? Because I go out of my way to make Equestria seem like a racist dystopia for my own amusement.
03:12 Fluttershy finally shows up and the Pegacons block her way when she tries to enter. Fluttershy pussies out and starts to go home, but Twilight Sparkle is cool for once and vouches for her immediately.
03:50 Inside, Spike is playing the part of Easy-Bake Oven for Mr. and Ms. Cake, who are doing some shoddy, below average groveling towards Princess Celestia. Meanwhile, Fluttershy apologizes for her tardiness and explains to Twilight that she was treating a patient. Twilight is sweating bullets while trying to reassure herself more than Fluttershy that Celestia will find that shit adorbs.
04:07 So it turns out Twilight is worried that Celestia might not approve of her friends IRL, even though she's met them and read about them in Twilight's letters. She'd only have to worry if I was writing them, but I'm pretty sure Twilight sanitizes all of the more glaring character flaws before she clicks "Publish".
04:18 Fluttershy tries to reassure Twilight that this is only a casual party, cut to Rarity wearing her inappropriately pimped-out dress and chastising the other ponies for stepping all over it.
04:43 Elsewhere, Applejack is trying to decide which of the copious varieties of food to eat and in which order to eat them, so that she avoids shaming her family for generations in front of her esteemed dictator-for-life. She eventually decided "Fuck all'a this, I ain't hungry."
Also, she couldn't recognize a salad? Lay off'a them apples, gurl.
05:03 Fluttershy acknowledges just how fucking ratchet her friends are, but says they aren't that bad.
Then Pinkie Pie comes along and is exactly that bad and worse when she sticks her maw into all of the party food and abuses a fondue fountain. Say what you will about Pinkie (no, do it), but at least she's consistent.
05:12 Then Pinkie went and scarfed down Princess Celestia's food, which caused many a pony to audibly gasp. Congratulations! We finally found the line Pinkie Pie cannot cross without resulting in a Ponyville social faux pas.
05:34 So are Mr. and Mrs. Cake professional bakers or sycophants, because they are kissing ass with military precision now.
06:10 The Cakes' brown-nosing causes Twilight to cringe, but thankfully Celestia turns her attention to Fluttershy, who she says she is familiar with from reading Twilight's letters.
BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU
06:18 So Celestia is harping on about how much she loves all the creatures in her kingdom to Fluttershy, all the while being completely oblivious to the sickening coughs of a caged bird behind her, some royal pet or another most likely. Is this why she sent Twilight and the others to deal with the dragon instead of divinely intervening? Because that's still a bullshit excuse.
It's indeed Celestia's pet and it's name is Philomena...the most it can do when asked to greet the other ponies is sputter and hack up unanimated phlegm, and you can tell Fluttershy is considering a mercy kill on the spot once she sees her.
06:49 One of the Pegagagas comes up to Celestia and tells her that she has been requested to have an audience with the Mayor, who is still a thing, I guess. She regretfully states that this is last call and to get the fuck out to the rest of the ponies, but not before dumping Philomena on Fluttershy by way of extreme neglect.
The actual fuck tho, seriously...
07:11 Applejack thinks she's gonna get her grub on, but Mr. Cake shows her that the party is truly over and tells her to get her freeloadin' ass the hell on out.
Pinkie Pie makes an ass of herself on the way out and Rarity holds her own dress hostage, clearly under the assumption that anyone gives a shit.
07:43 Twilight prematurely celebrates that nothing went wrong with the party, unaware that Celestia left her dying fucking pet behind and it's escaped on top of that. Or, better yet, Fluttershy took it upon herself to put it out of it's misery.
07:46 AND I WAS (half) RIGHT
08:41 Fluterrshy takes Philomena to put her in bed, and this makes her hot. Fluttershy brings Philomena a ice pack, which freezes her to ridiculous levels. Rapid switching back and forth occurs and I can kind of see why Celestia abandoned this fucking bird already.
09:14 Fluttershy feels like bed rest isn't enough after all of this and decides to give Philomena some medicine in the form of a pill the size of a Twinkie. Thankfully it's not a suppository as Fluttershy serves it with bird seed...which Philomena promptly eats, leaving the pill untouched.
10:00 Delicious soup will surely do the trick, right? Nope-- Philomena outright rejects it, before having a narcoleptic fit and passing out in it while Fluttershy goes to figure out another fruitless attempt.
12:00 Spa treatment, good company, and goddamn surgery do nothing to help this fucked up bird, among other things.
13:00 Just as Fluttershy admits defeat, Twilight comes strollin' in to tell her just how much she appreciates her support at the party and notices Philomena-- cue freakout.
Fluttershy says she couldn't just leave her there, but Twilight successfully urges her to return Philomena to Celestia.
13:11 Twilight prepares to leave with Fluttershy in the hopes that Philomena can be returned before anyone notices, but lo and be-fucking-hold, there are Royal Guards already at the door, and they don't look happy...which is normal, I guess.
14:20 Twilight gives them a BS story to shoo the Pegasu-su-sudios away, even as Philomena does her wretched best to rat them out with incessant coughing. Fluttershy suggests taking Philomena straight to the princess, but Twilight is more paranoid than Alex Jones and suggests they lie, since she rightfully fears Celestia's wrath.
Fluttershy isn't having it and says that they have to get Philomena healthy first before they do anything.
16:16 Twilight reluctantly agrees to nurse Philomena back to health, and more or less tortures the miserable bird by forcing all of Fluttershy's treatments on her. Philemona draws the line at being fois gras'd with soup and runs the fuck away.
17:14 wacky chasing Philemena montage, who is not too sick to figure out disguises and disfiguring her own "Missing" posters.
...That goddamn bird is trolling.
17:50 Twilight and Fluttershy come across the other ponies while searching, and find Philomena at the same time as the Royal Guards do. They all urge her to come down, and Philemena responds by losing her last feather and melodramatically dying. I swear to God if this ends up being merely a ploy to get attention...
18:11 Philomena falls at the speed of light, causing the corpse to combust and drop into Fluttershy's hands as nothing more than ashes.
KI-- oh, right-- dead. HAH!
18:49 Princess Celestia appears just as the last remnants of her (beloved?) pet smear themselves in a mixture of tears and regret all over Fluttershy's hooves. Twilight and Fluttershy try to take the blame in order to save each other, and Pinkie Pie does a Spartacus bit.
Fluttershy, however, decides to fess up, Philomena is a goddamn Phoenix, isn't she?
19:22 CALLED IT, although I should have far, far sooner.
19:57 Celestia explains what a Phoenix is and even calls out the resurrection process as melodramatic herself...okay, fine, +1 like for Celestia.
20:39 There's a title drop among the next series of events, as Celestia calls out Philomena to apologize for being a goddamn troll. Another +1 like for Celestia.
She also tells them that they should have asked in the first place and they could have avoided all of this..fine. I don't hate Celestia anymore, as long as she continues this reasonable streak.
21;33 Dash takes the opportunity to be an asshole and gets Philomena to tickle the Guards' noses with her wings, which makes them laugh. She didn't realize that when they arrived back in Canterlot that they were forced to commit ritual sacrifice to maintain the honor of their bloodline.
or she just didn't care
A "meh" episode, really, but after the last one that's a vast fucking improvement. At this point I'm hoping for mediocrity instead of quality, such is the extent to which the bar has been lowered for this show over all.
See you next time for...goddamn it...The Cutie Mark Chronicles.
- Apathy Pony